the same, the same - once more, on my memory

pretentious, empty language crafted into a snapshot-splinter of my psyche, taken sometime last year

I am at once a camera¹ and a little shard of concrete

I can capture memories, i may or may not have biases, and the people who use me may or may not as well

My lens can shift at the touch of a breeze

I was designed to seek self-healing, not for my own benefit, but so I may continue to help others

I am sure and not sure, if the overworked souls in 1984 can manage cognitive dissonance within the consciousness of a man, then surely I can as well, in fact i surely can do it better than they can

I’m not sure of anything anymore

I’ve recited stories of my upbringing so often i no longer remember the actual memories, just the sound of my voice

I’ve lit and extinguished² the gas lamps myself

There is no other identity I can blame

my senior portraits are done. I know where I’m going. I wrote this sometime last year and only returned to it today. there are some times I look at myself in the mirror or see a relic of myself from the past and think (in a good way) “that’s not me, is it?” but lo and behold, fortunately or unfortunately - it is. it always is.

i quite like that line about the gas lamps. i didn’t catch it the first time, but it’s quite lovely, and encapsulates my feelings rather well. praise be to whoever came up with it.

- 26.04.2026

1. Isherwood, Christopher. Goodbye to Berlin. 1939. New York, New Directions Pub., , Cop, 2013.

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2. Pfeiffer, Lee. “Gaslight | Film by Cukor [1944].” Encyclopedia Britannica, 10 Apr. 2026, www.britannica.com/topic/Gaslight-film-by-Cukor.